Making a Request

How many of you have had this happen . . . You ask someone for something, and it's as if you'd never said a thing, because you were ignored or someone got ruffled that you asked!?

I think we have all experienced this.

Would you like to know the secrets to successfully asking for something you want? First, there is a significant difference between a request and a demand. A request is not a demand.

There is no expectation for someone to perform if you are truly making a request. A true request is an invitation to act.  Like all invitations, there is a format to follow:

If you will picture what a party invitation looks like, you will note that every invitation has these elements:
An invitation first says who you are addressing or inviting. It then tells you when and where the event is happening. Finally, it asks them to kindly respond (RSVP) respond IF you please (no demand or expectation!). If you are inviting someone to do something, the other person has permission to say no.

This is true for anyone in any situation, from those you know personally to a perfect stranger. All will respond better to you if you invite them to act, rather than demand or expect it. It is also far more likely you will get what you are asking for! It is not, however, a guarantee that they will fulfill your request. It's not a guarantee because the other person may not have the time, ability or willingness at the moment to do what you ask. All you can do is focus on making your request an invitation, ask again at another time that might be better, and include all the elements of a true request.

First, I recommend setting the stage by preparing yourself. To do this, check in with yourself to be certain of what you will be asking for (e.g., be clear about what you need and make sure it isn't something you could just as easily do yourself), set your intention to be gracious in inviting them to act, release any expectations you might have about how they will or "should" respond; and set your intention to treat them as a valued friend.

Next, know that you want to be promoting relationship and one way to do that is by showing them respect. In a request, we can do this by getting their attention and asking if this time works for them so we know our request can be heard and has the possibility of being fulfilled. We won't be very successful if we are asking someone when they are busy, will we?

Here's one way to do that: Hey! I need your help! Unless this is an emergency, you probably wouldn't get a very good response to this request because it isn't kind or gracious and there is no invitation.

Here's another way: "Hey, Ellen, do you have a minute?"  Notice in this example that you are getting her attention by addressing her and then asking if this time works for her. Only if she responds positively would you continue.

Hey, I want to on a walk now. You're going, right?”Did you get their attention before asking? Was it an invitation to act? Do you hear the expectation in this?

Here's another example:

“Ellen, would you be able to take a walk with me today?. . . When do you think you could do that?”  This includes important elements and is a true request: an invitation to act.

Again, how we have set the stage and our intention make a difference also. They will determine our tone of voice. If we ask brusquely, the other person will undoubtedly get defensive or turn away. If you use a tone that feels and sounds good to you, it will most likely be respectful to the other person also. Our tone and intention makes a difference, too.

Let's review what works in making a successful request:

-Prepare yourself to be clear, with no expectations or demands, intending to invite them respectfully (as a valued friend)

-Get their attention by addressing them-- by name if possible

-Check to see if they have time to listen and possibly act

-Make your request an invitation to act, with permission to say no—so there is no demand or expectation

-Use a tone and words that are kind and gracious

-Acknowledge and appreciate

Are we then guaranteed we will get what we want?  No, but we can always ask again at another time --and make sure we are including all the key elements!

Good luck to you, and may all your requests be gracious and fulfilling!